I didn’t want to leave this train | a poem about the mid-twenties

I didn't want to leave this train

I wanted to stay inside

buried in my sweater

observing the blurring landscape

and philosophising about life

I didn't want to reach my destination

because it felt like a dead end to me

a point where I run in circles

fall behind

and forget who I am

I didn't want to face life

I didn't want responsibilities

I didn't want to be tangled up into something that suffocates me

what I want

is to breathe freedom

to discover new horizons

to find meaning in a world full of confusing pathways

and to embrace my true self

A spark of inspiration at twilight.

“The mid-twenties are the most exciting time in your life! The real problems come later.”

I remember my mum declaring this to me when she noticed my rather gloomy mood in a lower phase. I was grateful for her listening to me, but let me tell you one thing: It didn’t help at all. What should be exciting about this pressure to live a fulfilled life? And what are ‘real’ problems? Are mine not real enough?

Being in my twenties feels like rummaging through a treasure trove: Myriad things to be found and little surprises hidden between the ordinary. We don’t have much experience, so we rather hope for the best – which leads us to fun experiences and interesting acquaintances, but also to sleepless nights and hardship. Yes, the mid-twenties are not always as glamorous as some might claim. Sometimes, we trip, sometimes we fall, and there seems to be one, omnipresent question: How do I live a fulfilled life? This is something humans strive for their whole life and for everyone, the answer is different. Yet, when we enter our twenties, we suddenly have more responsibilities, the consequences of our decisions carry a lot more weight and amidst all these career possibilities, we have to find the ‘right’ one (assuming you actually have them – some do not have that privilege).

Change can be very hard. There is this innate sense of caution and perhaps even anxiety when our surroundings change, as for our ancestors, this could mean death. Therefore, it is natural to be weary when things change – what is important is how we react to it. Do we close our eyes and hope that things stay the same? Or do we carry on, eyes wide open, with a tinge of fear in our heart but with the knowledge that change is inevitable and necessary for our development?

Why comparison is a dead end

The mid-twenties are all about change – and we are not alone. Many of my friends get lost in the vast jungle of possibilities, but seemingly, just as many quickly find a way out or just carry on without any hardship. They ‘just do it’: They find a fulfilling job, have an understanding partner and share fantastic plans for the future. Sometimes, I tend to think that I am stuck. Lost between rejections, unrealistic plans and unfinished projects. This is why I compare myself to them from time to time – which is the most self-harming thing I could do. First of all, a perfect life is a dangerous illusion. Nothing in this world is perfect – there is beauty and ugliness everywhere. So, however ‘perfect’ and ‘well-organised’ another life might seem: think twice before fooling yourself. There is nothing wrong with being inspired by your peers, but beware of comparing yourself to them. Because, second, our lifepaths are so individual and our backgrounds so unique, it would be a dead end.  

For example, I have a good friend who I have always considered more mature and organised than me. She has a partner, a car, a well-paid job and it has always appeared to me that she knows what she does. But the truth is: We grew up in totally different ways. While her parents put high value on independence very early, my parents preferred my sister and me to have a more ‘relaxed’ childhood. We could pursue our interests quite freely and were never forced to have ten hobbies at the same time. As my whole family comes from Eastern Europe, the mentality greatly differs with German mentality, i.e. the values, opinions, culture, interests and habits. It is only natural then to have a different style of education and yet, I sometimes would like to have more self-confidence and organisational skills as my friend, forgetting what I am capable of where she might struggle. Is it comparison or inspiration? This is something we have to be very mindful of.

The clash of generations

You surely have encountered more aged people with more traditional, perhaps old-fashioned opinions which clash with your values. I experienced it while talking with my relatives and older friends of the family about my image of a fulfilling job. Some of them frowned at the word ‘fulfilling’. Why should a job be fulfilling? We work to earn money and we will never find a 100%-perfect job. My standards were “too high” for them. While I agree with the non-perfection of a job, I don’t want to work just to earn money. It might be enough for some people and that is completely fine, but my goal is to find work which satisfies me. I don’t want to hate Mondays, I don’t want to long for weekends and holidays and I certainly don’t want draining, uninspiring tasks. What I want is work I can actually do for over 40 years without burning out. For me, that means finding purpose in the things I do, creating a healthy balance between work and free time and delving into creativity.  

Does this mean that older generations are too blind to recognise alternative ways to look at the world? Of course not. Every generation has its ‘theme(s)’, i.e. the topics that leave their mark. It may be difficult to communicate openly and patiently with some, but often, their way of thinking stems from their upbringing. My parents for example immigrated to Germany at a relatively young age like so many of their friends. Their priority was to find a quick and safe way to earn money to survive in a foreign country. They certainly didn’t think about finding meaning in their tasks and balance in their work, so it is no wonder that they would advise me to rather stick with an unsatisfying job than to risk having no income. However, this doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to have standards. This is precisely the reason the generation of my parents put so much effort into building a life for themselves – their children should have a better life with privileges they didn’t have. My generation puts much more value on healthy relationships, open communication, mental health and meaningful jobs. In my opinion, this is the first step into acknowledging humans for the emotional beings they are. We tend to forget that human existence can be quite daunting and ignore our innate want for love, peace and belonging. It is wise to listen to our elders if they have a good advice, but we should not feel guilty for our standards – we should be rather grateful to being able to claim them.

Good things take time

During that train ride, I never wanted to leave the dream I was slowly entering. I wanted to stay in it forever and discard every negative emotion, everything that pulled me down. But in the end, it is all about faith: Into ourselves and the people supporting us. It is about the knowledge that good things take time and that our journey has not reached its end.

One thing is clear: You are not alone. Being confused, not knowing what to do, and finding out what truly matters to you is a natural process countless people experience in their mid-twenties. This fact doesn’t change the situation, but it could shift your perspective. Perhaps, there are more aged people in your surroundings you could talk to, assuming they don’t degrade your difficulties – because every phase has its challenges. My problems are as valid as yours, no matter what we are going through.

How do you perceive your mid-twenties? I’d love to read your comment! It means a lot if you engage with my post on Instagram.

Stay curious,

Sara